see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
