totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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