Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
