Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
