she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
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