I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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