I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize