I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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