The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm getting married
To pizza
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
