I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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