I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
