And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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