I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize