The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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