Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
