It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
