Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
