its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I deserve this hangover.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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