i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
