You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
