Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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