Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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