I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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