My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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