I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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