why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
