When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
