I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
