My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Randomize