I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
