Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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