Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
