So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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