Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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