apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize