Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
