There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
