god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
