6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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