Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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