I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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