uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
