i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
