I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
