You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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