the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
