One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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