I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
