Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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