woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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