last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
