well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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