my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
