I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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