Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
