I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
