so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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