My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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