I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I can't turn off my feet"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
