remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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