I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
