this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
areolas are like halos for boobs.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
