All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
