Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
